It Wasn't For Her To Know
by Pandora Imperatrix
Summary: He never meant to tell her.


**Thank you SydCybertronian for the beta!**

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 **It Wasn't For Her to Know**

It wasn't for her to know, because even being so young he knew well enough that the familiarity he felt for Hinata-sama was improper. She was the Heiress and he only a lowly branch member.

Even if father had told him that it was his duty to protect her, that connection didn't make him special, every branch member's duty was to protect the main house. Being appointed her personal guard didn't mean that he was allowed to have feelings for her; after all, he was just meant to be her shadow.

It wasn't for her to know, it wasn't for anyone to know, because he was disgusted with himself to discover those feelings had grown like weeds. Why wouldn't they die? Why wouldn't they all die? Why was it only his father's duty to die like a cheap sacrifice so her and her father could keep living unbranded and free like he would never be?

It wasn't for her to know, and he was sure he would never have trouble hiding [it] after that fight. She lost so easily he almost felt pity. He had dreamed of humiliating her and her father for so long, but when she was on the ground panting and broken, when Hiashi-sama pronounced him the winner with a livid face, he didn't rejoice at the victory; he didn't take any pleasure in hurting her. And that hurt _him_.

Maybe he was suffering from the brainwashing every branch member was subjected to, especially when all during his upbringing he was conditioned to keep her out of harm's way. Despite his resolve to fight for his freedom, he had been so damaged by that twisted power structure that he couldn't even treat his grieving heart with sweet vengeance. There was no chance of relief. He didn't love her enough to forgive her, and he didn't hate her enough to rejoice in her pain.

It wasn't for her to know, and he couldn't even stomach it himself. How, he asked himself, how could he still have feelings for such a pathetic creature?

She was no heiress now, but they still kept him as her shadow. He didn't care whom they appointed him to serve, but he felt borderline misused in that position. Branch or not, it was clear that he was a genius, why did he have to keep protecting the failure of the clan?

He wasn't foolish enough to question Hiashi-sama's intelligence, and he wondered what was the reason he was kept in this position.

But maybe, he thought bitterly, even a genius branch member was still a branch member, made only to serve the main branch, even the failures.

It wasn't for her to know, and yet she knew more than he ever dreamed she would. Not only that but she said she pitied him.

He never felt anger alike to compare, and it took the whole of him. He felt like he would never feel anything else again. He couldn't think clearly, he just wanted that agony gone, he wanted _her_ gone, he couldn't stand such a small, puny, disgusting creature not only exposing the most secret contents of his heart for everyone to see but also pitying him. How dare she? How dare she talk to him like that? How dare her to _feel_ for him like that? To think that was allowed? But to the main house nothing is sacred, to them, there are no limits, they have no respect.

Still, he wondered if the whole fight was a trap, if he was letting himself be played again. Hiashi-sama was in the audience, and yet his seal had not been activated, his insides turned to ice with the thought that, maybe, he was being used to dispose of the clan's defective member. What would have happened to him if he hadn't been stopped?

It wasn't for her to know, and he was too ashamed to approach her to ever think anything relevant to say. And surprising even himself, he doesn't know why he does this, but one morning he tells her that he was the one charged to train her. If she was any other main house member she would have questioned him, but being Hinata, she just timidly nods and waits for further instruction.

And maybe it's because of her passive demeanour that he's so hard on her. Because nine years of anger don't disappear just because he now knows the truth, because he still is hurt by her forcing him to face him suffering in such a exposed manner, and because it annoys him that she is so weak and makes his job of protecting her so hard. After all, she's a gennin, she will go out on missions, and he can't be always there to keep her away from harm.

He feels guilty afterwards when she gets hurt for overworking herself, but also feels pride too, and pleasant surprise, for she never complained or implied he was going too hard on her.

It wasn't for her to know, but as years passed by he wondered if she faked blindness to spare his pride. Because, slowly, and so fast he ended most of his meetings with her feeling dizzy, they got closer and closer, and now, it was hard to hide his fondness every time she smiled at him. Because she did that now, and not only that, she was so much more now and he was so, so lucky he got to see her becoming that strong, more independent and confident person. The downside was that now it was impossible to stop himself from falling, to stop those forbidden feelings from growing like the weeds they were, and take the whole of him.

But with this proximity he was also close enough to see how strongly was her yearning for someone else. And he felt like a fool every time she said something, or looked at him only to see another, and his stupid heart would hurt in response, because really, what right had he to feel that way? What claim did he, Hyuuga Neji, a branch member, have over her? And after the Chunin Exams? He was lucky she didn't hate him, and did not deserve her friendship. It was a proof of his utmost arrogance to have those feelings for her. After all, even if he spent every day with her, it wasn't his the influence who drove her from being the most pathetic member of the Hyuuga Clan to the blooming flower she was now.

It wasn't for her to know, but he felt tempted to say it for the first time when he heard of what she'd done to save _his_ life. And he felt dirty, because him burdening her with that would not only be cruel, but also simply a means of blackmailing her into not giving her life so easily, of charging her with his happiness, like she owed him something just because he had feelings for her.

So, he said nothing, but he promised to himself that there wouldn't be a next time. He would never let her risk her life that way again. It was his duty, after all.

It wasn't for her to know, and temptation reached him for a second time sooner than he thought. This time it was even for reasons more selfish than before. If once he wanted the knowledge to save her life, or at least, to make her see that her life meant more, that she meant more that she thought that she did, that she was no collateral damage, that she was not just the clan spare, now. It was much simpler now, he just wanted her to know because he didn't want to die without saying it.

He was getting bolder, it seems. Bolder and every day more undeserving. She was going to war to protect her family, her village, and the man she loved, she didn't need to bear the weight of his feelings too. So, when she shyly came to his tent to wish him good luck, showing no bitterness towards the fact that was him and not her leading their squad, and plead him to not be concerned with her safety – as he could, as he would – he swallowed down his confession. And if he died, he would be able to rest knowing that she would not suffer from any guilt regarding his secret.

It wasn't for her to know and even if life was leaving him fast, the words spilling from his blooded lips were not those of a confession. If he was honest to himself, the thought of telling her hadn't even crossed his mind. Why would her tell her? To cause her pain? He could see by her expression of complete abandon that he was already doing that, and that would be his only regret.

When he saw he was about to lose her; his body automatically moved to provide her with protection. Even if his death came from a willing act, it wasn't something planned, as such way that he was really surprised by the pain and by the notion that was the end and there was no next.

So, instead of being selfish and telling her, he just tried to make the man she love understand what she was trying to sacrifice, and what he sacrificed for her instead.

And when the end came, he was just grateful that she was the last thing he would see.

It wasn't for her to know, but when he woke up in the medic's barracks and saw her wet eyes, the first thought to cross his mind were the words "she knows now".

And there's no going back now, but he feels half glad he's in such a deplorable state that he can use it as excuse to avoid his problems. It's almost funny, because now that he can't use his legs – or any part of his body, really – he's running away. Still it's impossible to avoid his own truth, and he has to face the fact that he has been lying to himself all these years. It wasn't just to avoid burdening her that he never told her about his feelings, it was also because he already knew she loved someone else and didn't want to be refused. That's why seeing her give up on her life time after time to save _him_ was so painful, and made her true feelings and his hopelessness so obvious that he made the only decision that would save himself from his own suffering and help her to be seen by the one she loved the most.

He didn't know what cursed him with surviving, but he didn't feel any sort of gratitude. Yes, he was alive to be with her, but for how long? She soon would leave him, there was someone else stronger than him who would protect her in his place, someone she liked more.

It wasn't for her to know, but oh she knew. She didn't use words to show it, she didn't question him, she just stayed with him. It was not her place, everyone knew it, and he could hear the whispering about how the Princess of the Hyuuga was taking charge of the recovery of the fallen branch member. His sacrifice just reminded everyone that despite his genius status, he was still from the lower caste. She didn't seem to care about that – but when did she? – or the people talking, surprisingly enough.

But unlike her, he was full of questions. Why wasn't she fighting in the war? Why wasn't she with _him_? And he didn't endure her silence for long, as much as he wanted to be selfish and keep her close to him, at least she was safe and out of harm's way while he was in no condition to protect her but he knew that wasn't proper or right. In his absence, she was expected to lead, other people needed her, _he_ needed her. So he asked.

"Father barred me from the battlefield. He sent me to aid the med barracks. A Hyuuga jonin is leading your troops, and Naruto-kun… He doesn't need me now. I even suspect that it was by his request that father sent me away. He told me he was grateful as always, and that he understood your words, Neji-nii-san, but he can't be responsible for me losing my life to protect him anymore. He said he wants me to take better care of my life, because I too hold another life in my hands."

It wasn't for her to know, and for most of it she pretended she didn't. The war was won, and the Ninja World tried to go back to normality and so did Konoha Village and its Hyuuga Clan. As was expected, Neji was making fast improvement day after day. He regarded it all due to her, even if he didn't express it with words. He didn't dare to thank her for he knew she shouldn't be playing his nurse and therapist, but he tried to make it up by working hard on his recovery to be useful to her again. He enjoyed being under her light, but not in those conditions, his rightful place was as her shadow. He did ask sometimes why she wasn't going on missions, why was she always doing work that was beneath her, but she rarely answered, only smiled. No work was beneath her, she would say, and why would she go on boring missions if she just could be with him instead?

And he almost dared to hope when she said that.

One day, one year after the war, she arrived late and bearing a sad smile. He wasn't someone to pry, but he was tired and feeling frustrated with his useless body that refused to walk the amounts of steps he decided he would walk that day, and he didn't care it was way more than recommended and expected by the doctors, he was just tired of being an invalid. So he asked, more like, demanded what was wrong with her, he just wanted another reason to be angry, but he didn't expect what he heard.

Naruto was leaving the village again, he and Haruno were to join Uchiha in his wandering, and before leaving he sought Hinata out, he told her he was grateful, so grateful, but he had no means to reciprocate her feelings.

And as Neji let her cry silently on his shoulder, asking himself how anyone could refuse her, for once he didn't feel dirty, because her pain still didn't bring him any joy.

It wasn't for her to know, but he found out it wasn't as terrible as he thought it would be now that she knew. After all, he wasn't even sure if it changed anything between them. He was sure that, Hinata being Hinata, she would still had done everything she did for him after what happened in the war even if she hadn't known. And even if it had been his hugest secret, if he was honest with himself, he never hid it very well. Hanabi, for one, had a penchant for reminding him of that. He was just concerned that the information could be used against Hinata somehow, and lived with the fear of one day his superiors blackmailing him into doing something vile using her as bait.

But two years after the war, after his full recovery, he put those concerns of secrecy aside and waltzed with her in front of the whole Clan and their friends, teachers, and other noble members of society invited to Hinata's eighteenth birthday, a celebration not just of her coming of age but her restoration as the Clan's rightful heiress. And yes, if anyone couldn't say before, only a blind person wouldn't see that there was love between them.

In that same night, Hiashi-sama approached him with the proposition that could change his world.

It wasn't for her to know, but now he saw himself having to confront her about it. She had known for years, he was sure, but she never said anything, maybe to preserve him, after all, Hinata wasn't someone to be assuming things about other people.

Weeks passed after her birthday party, they still saw each other every day, having their training sessions in the morning and tea before bed. If they were close before, nowadays he could easily say that there was nothing of hers that he didn't know, no secret they didn't share, except for that one, and the Clan's leader proposition. But that wouldn't last.

He had his first long term mission booked and asked himself if his excuse for giving her time wasn't actually an excuse for his own cowardice. But as he was leaving the next morning, he couldn't avoid the issue anymore.

The only sound made after he told her, that he had loved her, hated her, and loved her more was of the clicking of her teacup on the wooden floor.

"So Father told you of his decision, then."

"You knew."

"He told me after the war."

"But no one knew if I was to survive my wounds or if I would be able to fight ever again, Hiashi-sama wouldn't bind a cripple to you."

"He told me he was about to break his vow to Hizashi-sama, that he was setting me free."

"I do not understand."

She sighed. "I told him he would do no such thing."

"Hinata-sama, what are you saying?"

"You know my heart, there is nothing that you don't know about me, Neji. We've become good friends haven't we? And you know, as I do, that I can't give you as much as you gave me."

He didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did. And he took his time to breath through the pain before answering. "I'll tell Hiashi-sama of your decision, then."

"My decision? But the decision is yours. I'm just saying that a marriage to me wouldn't be the most favourable bargain to you."

"How so?"

"How can I match as much love and consideration? You deserve better. I don't want you be bound by life to an undeserving person just to fix our broken family."

"I don't think you understood what I said early on. Yes, uniting the Clan would be life fulfilling, it would be better than avenging my father's death, it would give meaning to his sacrifice, and the sacrifice of each person branded with the seal, yes, I want that, I've always wanted that, but do you know what else I've always wanted, no matter how selfish or how impossible it was?"

She swallowed hard. "So, will you marry me, then?" she asked with a weak voice.

"Yes."

It wasn't for her to know, but he told her again and again on their first night together, as he dared to kiss her, to touch her like not even in his most secret dreams he had permitted himself to do. And to his utmost surprise and wonder, she, past the shyness of the first moments, was actually the one to search for him first.

It started on the night of their betrothal after he came back from his mission. They were walking through the gardens in the moonlight, just talking as they often did, and before saying goodnight she kissed he corner of his mouth, and seem to wait for him to do something for a while as he stood there petrified, before saying goodnight again and leaving to her quarters.

Then there was the hand-holding, but that he was the one to starting. She looked red as a beet when he grabbed the hand that kept rubbing on his as they walked side by side, she seemed so shocked that he almost let her go, but she intertwined her fingers with his and they didn't break the contact not even when they reached the market street where anyone could see them.

Their first real kiss – because they shared a little closed mouth kiss at the betrothal party – happened after she came back from her Jonin exam. She passed! And the first thing she did after coming from the Hokage's tower was to throw her arms around his neck and kiss him, not caring if their friends were looking – and making a lot of noise about it – she just kissed him, and kissed him, hard and deep until there was no more breath in their lungs. After that, they kissed in more private places too, for neither of them were really fond of public displays of affection no matter that Kiba insisted on calling them exhibitionists after that.

It wasn't for her to know, but in the years that followed he made sure that she had no doubt that he loved her.

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 **A/N: I think this was the most wordsy NejiHina until now and I'm really happy about it. I hope you liked too, and if you did, please let me know :)**


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